My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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