nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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