there's paper in my vomit.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
