I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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