At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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