I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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