dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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