Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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