i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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