what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
