just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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