At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
