I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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