I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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