ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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