There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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