My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im six kinds of drunk right now
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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