Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
