I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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