Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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