her vagine was all disorganized.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
