naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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