Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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