Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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