I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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