At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
