I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
