You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
