So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
