I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
