I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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