they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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