I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sarcasm needs its own font
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
