I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
