I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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