Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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