I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
