i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
