it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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