I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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