My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
