Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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