I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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