also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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