i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
