im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
