i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
