ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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