Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
