I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's like iHOP with fire
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
