there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
