How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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