I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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