I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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