She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
