Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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