Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
