I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
