Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
