I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
