i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
